Friday, June 3, 2011

My First Guest Blogger Yo!

Hey ya'll, I know that I haven't posted in forever because I'm an awful awful blogger that doesn't deserve your love and adoration but I have a completely valid excuse!! I've become unemployed and depressed, but thats okay since they make pills to fix that shit...the depression, I don't think they make pills to fix unemployment..but that would be awesome!

Anywho, my bestest friend Michelle has agreed to to a blog post for me, about her really fucked up boyfriend, who btw I hate with a fiery passion but that's beside the point. Without further ado...


Hello my name is Michelle and I have a rather whiny, selfish, egotistical boyfriend.  I know that's not uncommon, but I'm writing this article to both entertain the masses, make other people feel better about themselves and perhaps relieve some of my stress after dealing with this shit for the past couple of years. :)  
I'll start out with saying that I am well aware that I am NOT the perfect girlfriend.  I try to pretend like I am at times but I know who and what I am, so please don't get the wrong idea, I'm just here to share a funny story or two.

Let me start off with something that happened between us tonight, this is an AIM conversation we just had.  Joel is my boyfriend, obviously. 

 joel:i always wanted
    a nice car
    and you 
    like a typical "ball n chain"
    have to ruin my dreams
    step on them
    and hold them in front of my face
    and laugh at me
    then chuck it out the window
    "noooo, my dreams..."

ME:   :q nah, i just think it was a silly thing for you to do after complaining how expensive med school will be and how much you'll be in debt, but watevs, you'll do what you want haha

 joel: OK

 ME : you'll be tied down by money problems throughout your school years, but me..i'll be cool through my shrewd decisions with saving money so that when i finally get hired into a game company, anna and i will be living smoothhhhhh~


 ME: calm down boo.


 Me: your money won't be going anywhere except to debt payments LULULULULULULUL sup?
    but whatevers, it's all good.

 joel: o yeah

 joel: cause i definetly will get a job that pays 300k a year to cover my 250k debt for life

 Me:   what happened to that depression you had from reading that little article about med school?
    you were all weepy and mopey over that shit

 joel: ok
    stop talking to me 

 Me:   'oohhh i'm gonna be an old man by the same i've finished school and won't have done anything in my life'

 joel:   insensitive fuck

 Me:   xD

 joel:   go away

 Me:   gahd joel i'm just messing with you

 joel:   no
    go away
    im really upset now

 Me: get that cock out of your ass please

 joel:   nothing has been going my way

 Me :  :c oki oki i sorry

 joel:and now you are just talking all the shit you want
stop fucking talking  to me right now

 Me :oki

 joel:i dont want to even see your msgs
fuck i dont even want to see you online
ill talk to you when i feel better

Let me explain what's going on here, I'm sure a few of you are like 'wtf?'.  Joel and I no longer live together.  I live in my own apartment and he's living with his parents going to a community college in Los Angeles.  He's been collecting on his GI Bill, making about 2.5k a month.  He saved up 12k for a down payment and went a bought a beautiful 2011 ford mustang.  Sweet right?  
Joel and I have a 2 year old daughter together.  I'm not starting school till this fall.  I just bought a 95 jeep grand cherokee for 1.4k. I moved into my own apartment about a month after that after having lived with my mom, my dad, and finally my best friend.  I make 387 dollars a week on unemployment.  Joel has only once helped with providing for our daughter, and only then after complaining that I shouldn't have to rely on him for money and then proceeded to hang it over my head, which he still does to this day.
His mustang costs about 30k.
That conversation started off with my asking how his trip to the dentist went.  He broke a tooth very badly and said it was going to cost around 2.7k to fix and he just used up all of his money and still has installments to make on it.  I casually said that he'd have more money if he didn't buy that car, or maybe sold it.  If some of you aren't familiar with chatting over the internet, it's pretty obvious that I'm trying to be funny and light-hearted in that conversation, it's how I usually talk to him when we're in a good mood together. 
But yeah, this is my relationship with my boyfriend.  I think the copied aim conversation sums it up pretty well.  But just in case some people are still skeptical I have screenshots of a converation I had with him a while back of World of Warcraft.  In it, I'm telling him that I just wish he'd ask me to transfer my character to his realm so we could play together and be closer while living apart.
(this might be a tad confusing, but the [BN:to] messages are me talking and the [BN:from] messages are him.)
1. Amazing..  He is such an ass
2.He should be set on fire Lets hunt this mofo down!  
So yeah..that's about it.  I could probably write a book about the first two years of our relationship.  It's quite interesting, if you defined interesting as a long, drawn out and depressing parade of failure and heart ache.


Note: The names the links were totally my doing, I really hate him.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Don't Get Excited...

So it's still raining like a bitch outside...which frankly is pissing me off to no end! I swear if I weren't so freakin depressed I would break something!

It's times like these that I really wish I had some amazing work ethic and could sit down with my giant book of blog topics and just post something fantastic despite the shitty weather and awful storms that have been raping the south for the past two weeks....but I'm not that awesome and here I sit with no idea of what I want to blog about and nothing to do to give me and ideas.

I thought about writing a post about the royal wedding..but I just wasn't that moved by it, then I thought "Hey, Bin Laden is gone, I could write about that!!" But then I was like "Wait, that is a pretty serious topic, that asshat killed a lot of people, do I really want to do this?" and no, no I don't want to even attempt to make light of that topic.

It's just been a really crappy couple of weeks. But I promise that I shall return and be better than I have ever been...or worse, but nonetheless I'll be back!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Hey Look, A Kitty!!

So, as I've previously mentioned (yelled?) I live in an undisclosed southern state, a state that seem to think that once April rolls around that it can become freakin Seattle!! Well guess what state, you are not cool enough to pretend to be Seattle, you are a state of trees and a movie theater, so stop with the damn rain now!!
Anywho, I'm going to go ahead and blame the flood outside my house for not blogging lately, I'm not mature enough to be happy despite the weather...I have given into the gloom and refuse to be happy and/or funny until I see the sun again. (NOTE: I know I wasn't that funny to start with so it was all down hill)

Here's a picture of a kitty to hold you over!!
Hey Look, A Kitten!!!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

So, Are You Pregnant Yet?

I've been sick for the past week, as in swimming in my own vomit kind of sick (lovely image I know), plus side is that I've lost about eight pounds the down side that now I'm pregnant. *dramatic pause*

I'm not pregnant, but there is an assumption that when you're 25 and have been married for over a year that the next logical step is to put a bun in the oven, become a baby incubator if you will. Maybe some of you more logical individuals will say "Hey, your still young, don't worry about it, you've got PLENTY of time" to you I say..I live in the freakin SOUTH!!!! Having a baby in your early 20's is almost a requirement to being a woman! 

I get to hear wonderful gems like "Don't wait too long" in a worried tone, as if my uterus is going to fall out the moment I hit 30.

Even better is the classic "If you don't use if you'll loose it"...does this me my baby factory will shut down due to a lack of production? Well shit, I guess that means the economy is messing everything up then isn't it?

My personal favorite is "You don't want to be so old that you can't enjoy raising your kids" This implies that I'm going to be broken down and rotting away by the time I hit my forties. I can just picture it, my ten year old will want to play baseball and from my rocking chair, I'll sigh and say "I'm sorry child but I'm just too old..I'm forty you know, soon I'll be gone, oh if only I hadn't waited so long to become a mother!"

What this rant boils down too is that I'm not opposed to having kids, I'll be a kickass mom!! But I have complete control of when and if I become that kickass mom and no amount of guilt or worry is going to change that.  I'll freely admit that I get a twitch in my uterus when I see a cute baby, an adorable pair of baby converse or a commercial for some over priced baby product...and that twitchy uterus leads to baby fever and for a brief moment I think, wow, I totally want a baby. But that passes when logic comes back into play.

Can we talk about baby fever for a second? That sneaky bitch is a pain. When you get baby fever you briefly lose logic, you don't think about late nights, smelly diapers, projectile vomit or an 18 year commitment, all you can think of is baby names, nursery themes, baby cloths, how your kid is going to be so smart..etc. Baby fever is like Gods way of making sure the species gets repopulated, cause if you really really thought about it..babies are kinda gross.

Did you know that after a woman gives birth a hormone in her brain causes her to forget/or minimize the pain of child birth!! ANOTHER trick that keeps us popping out babies!
In conclusion: I'm not a baby hater, I love kids and I can't wait to be a mother...someday. Who knows, I could have a kid and not care about the grossness of it all, but right now I'm good with taking care of a husband and two dogs.
My uterus is twitching...

Friday, April 1, 2011

How Guilt Can Make You A Better Person...Or A Really Bitter Person.

My mother is the queen of the guilt trip, it's like some amazing superpower!
You want to cancel lunch with her and lounge all day? She can make you change your mind in less than a second AND you'll show up with flowers and a formally written apology because you were such an awful daughter for even THINKING of cancelling on your sainted mother!!!  

Now, don't let me paint my mom in a negative light, she is amazing and honestly..she just knows how to make me see how selfish I can be.

Example Time!!  Here is a regular conversation between my mother and myself.

Mom: Are you busy on Saturday? 

Me: Well, I was gonna just lounge around and spend time with the husband.

Mom: Oh, well...(In a much softer tone) I was hoping I could get you to help me with something but I guess if your busy I can do it myself...

Me: Oh, well..what do you need help with?

Mom: I'm taking the dogs to the vet and I was needing someone to go with me, having both is just really hard on me...but  I (sigh)..I'm sure I can handle it.

Me: No, I can go, it's no big deal.

Mom: can do it..maybe I'll just take them one at a time...but gosh gas is so expensive, no, I'll have to take them both at the same time....Maybe your brother could take me..

Me: No mom, I'll go, its fine.

Mom: I don't want you to go if you don't want too..

Me: Mom, I want to go..please for the love of God let me go with you!! 

Mom: Ok sweetie, if you really want to go.

That is my wonderful mother has through the years taught me the fine art of ..THE GUILT TRIP!!
I don't even have kids yet but it's as if I have this super human ability that has been ingrained into me, I can guilt anyone, with this a good thing? A bad thing? I don't know. But you see, I am still somewhat a novice with the guilt, while I am still more versed than most I have yet to become immune to guilt, of course I still fall for mom's guilt trip..but the real kicker is, that when you are raised by parents that expect you to put others first or suffer the guilt you end up having a really soft heart. And it sucks ass.

Now, I've tried my hardest to be a badass chick that doesn't take crap and can be hella intimidating when she needs to be, but damn it if I don't have the emotions of a five year old. Given the right circumstances, I will cry like a swimmer that has been raped by dolphins. Like, say I'm watching television and that freaking ASPCA commercial comes on with  Sarah McLaughlin song in the background and it shows all of the sad and hurt animals that are like "Why don't you love us, we need you" I do three things...I bawl like a baby...hunt for my check book because OBVIOUSLY I have to send the poor babies money...and go adopt a dog. My husband had too put a stop to the last two, or we would have been broke and had a house full of dogs.  But do you get what I'm saying? Yes, I know how to use guilt, but guilt still knows how to use me like a cheap violin.

Another Example: This April, I'm going without meat...I've tried this many times before and always failed, but the guilt of eating some poor animal is so freaking strong that I'm sitting here, choking down soy based nuggets that I'm suppose to believe taste like chicken when they taste like some weird garlic and onion turd. You'd think that we've advanced enough that we can make soy taste like freakin chicken, but nooo, I guess science is more concerned with cancer or nuclear war. Well guess what science, not having good tasting options for my semi-vegetarian lifestyle is slightly inconvenient so get off your already busy asses and fix this!!

I have no purpose of being here except to make you feel guilty about the melting icecaps, feel my guilt!!

In conclusion, yes, I'm going to use guilt on my children, because not only do I want kids with good hearts that know how crappy it is to be selfish, I also want someone else around me that is as screwed up as I am.

Monday, March 28, 2011

How TV Completely Ruined My Perception Of Love.

I am part of a profoundly screwed up generation. Maybe, I'm being over dramatic, I know my generation can be pretty amazing, we are more tolerant, open minded and considerate than the preceding generations. But we are a clueless bunch when it comes to love, and honestly I think a lot of it is due to the media's idealized portrayal of relationships that got shoved down our throats!

I think I may be generalizing too much, let me narrow it down and just talk about myself.

Up until I was 19 or so I had a highly romanticized view of love and relationships. I honestly though that the guy I was suppose to be with would be the dark and brooding man who knew how to cry. He would sweep into town take one look at me, stare deeply into my eyes and know that I was his everything. Complete. And. Total. Crap.
So here is a list of my favorite shows as a teen, I'll give you a brief rundown and tell you how it screwed me over, then I'll let you know how reality is way better than pretend.

1. Roswell (1999-2002)- I freakin loved this show more than cake and I'm a fat kid so you know I loved my cake. It was basically about a mysterious and brooding group of overly attractive teens that just happen to be aliens. Lots of human/alien intergalactic relationships, the words soul mate and destiny were was tossed around a lot. After this show, I would create drama in my relationships, in hopes that the pathetic sap I was dating would rise to the challenge and fix everything thus proving his love to me. I got dumped.
So brooding!! 
2. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997- 2003)- This was actually a pretty empowering show for a young girl. Teenage girl kicks ass and to hell with preconceived notions of femininity! But did I focus on that? Nope. I only saw how much Buffy loved Angel and how much I loved Angel, pretty sure this was the show that brought on puberty. For those that don't know (both of you) Buffy is a girl destined to be The Slayer, she kills vampires while being a fashionable and charming teenager. Angel just happens to be a *gasp* dark and brooding vampire who falls for Buffy. Isn't unrequited love great? Now, how did this mess me up? I grew a fascination for the boys that needed to be fixed, the bad boys with troubled pasts that needed me to...slay their problems (love puns). Again I got dumped. (bad boys don't usually care for good girls in real life)

How sweet! He wants to suck her blood, they must really love each other.
3. Dawson's Creek (1998-2003) - No supernatural powers here, just weepy teens climbing into each others bedrooms. Basically, a small New England town where everyone has something to hide. Dawson, Joey and Pacey are best buds. Joey likes Dawson, Dawson likes movies. Jen moves to town, Dawson likes Jen, Joey sad. Pacey screws teacher, Jen has bad past, Dawson dislikes Jen, Dawson likes Joey, Joey dates Dawson and likes him less, Joey and Pacey end up together, Jen dies.

I'm not even sure where to start with this. I wanted to live their fictional lives! I would literally go look for a male best friend, a Dawson to my Joey if you will. I would look at my more attractive female teachers and think that they were totally nailing some poor misguided male student. Just so messed up..

Poor Dawson never stood a chance.
Now for my closing argument, why were all my preconceived, media fed notions wrong? Because the real thing is flipping awesome. It wasn't until I met my now husband did I understand that a relationship didn't have to revolve around drama, it could be pretty fun actually.

In real life you may not get the guy that will look deep into your eyes and tell you that you're the missing piece to his heart or whatever, but you do get someone that will share the blanket with you and give you chicken soup when your sick. 

TV doesn't show you the mundane, boring, everyday B.S. that couples go through, putting the seat down, cooking dinner, getting ready for bed and watching the news. That stuff is pretty great. 

Yes, I still get caught up in the way TV shows love and relationships, how can I not? I'm sure if my life was a show it would bore viewers to tears, but its real and it's completely drama free, except when my mother-in-law comes to visit, but that's what I have shanks for. 

Sunday, March 27, 2011

An Open Letter To The Mean Kids I Went To School With.

TheBloggess tweeted a link to JustLinda whom wrote an amazing post about the struggles her daughter is currently facing in school with regards to fitting in and being included. Please go read that post, it is so honest and heart breaking.

After I read Linda's I began to ponder my own experience in school and how it shaped me into the fantastic individual I am today. So here is a letter to all of the hateful, cruel, mean spirited kids I went to school with.

Dear Mean Kids,
                How are you? I hope this letter finds you well and in good health. I'm doing well, actually I'm amazing, never been happier in fact! I was just writing this letter to thank you. Thank you for every cruel, mean thing you ever did to me. For calling me fat, for excluding me from activities, thank you for taking what was unique about me and taunting me to the point where I actually felt ashamed of it!
    You see, because of your hateful taunting, I learned empathy for others that have to deal similar issues as mine. While you were out on Friday nights making stupid mistakes, I was at home with my amazing parents soaking up their wisdom and knowledge.
    While you were goofing off at lunch, I was in the library learning a cornucopia of words that you still do not comprehend and while you were using your last thread of creativity to think of ways to tear me down I was realizing that the best weapon against you was my own inflated ego. Thats right...I'm awesome and I don't need your damn approval. Yes, there is nothing that will confuse mean kid more than a chubby chick who knows how fantastic she is.
      You think I'm fat? Well congratulations on forming a cohesive thought, by the way, I have awesome boobs so I win.
      You think I'm weird? I am weird, this is news to people?
      I don't dress right? Are you kidding?  I look fantastic, who else can take yard sale clothes and rock them like me?
         So you see mean kids, after years of trying my hardest to meet your approval, I was able to not give a shit. You know what else, I'm 25 now and I still know that I'm awesome. I refuse to be modest and I look in the mirror everyday and yes I see my "faults" but I love me, my husband (who is sexy as hell by the way) loves me and I'm happy.
                         Signed,   The Most Amazing Woman On Earth

Note: If you're going through something similar to this or even if you're feeling down on yourself, remember that you are fucking fantastic!! Please don't wait for someone else to build you up, do it yourself. Look in the mirror and list everything that is amazing about you and say them out loud, shout them from the roof tops!! You. Are. Awesome. Don't keep it secret.

Friday, March 25, 2011

British Sexiness Covered in Chunky Peanut Butter.

You know what I haven't had in forever? A chunky peanut butter sandwich, there are few pleasures in life better than chunky peanut butter....well, maybe sex, but it would depend on who you're having sex with.

Example: Sex with Colin Firth is way better than chunky peanut butter, but chunky peanut butter is better than sex with Michael Cera. However, sex with Michael Cera while covered in chunky peanut butter is better than sex with Colin Firth. Sex with Colin Firth while covered in chunky peanut butter trumps all. These are the rules, I don't make them I just follow them, actually I did make these rules but they should still be followed.

I know some of you are gonna be like, "Hey, I love Michael Cera way more than Colin Firth and I don't even like chunky peanut butter."  I completely understand that we all have different opinions about sexiness and our food covered sex preferences...but Colin Firth is British and pretty and chunky peanut butter is awesome I'm right and you wrong so there!!!

You know who else is pretty and British? Hugh Laurie, but you don't cover Hugh Laurie in chunky peanut butter...Hugh Laurie is just for  looking at, he's that attractive.
Very Pretty

Excuse me while I go buy some chunky peanut butter...for a sandwich you dirty birds, what else would it be for?

Thursday, March 24, 2011

So, Dolphin Rape?

Aren't dolphins adorable? So cute, happy and sweet. They are truly the most majestic creature that will ever rape you....

What, you didn't know that an average of 14 people a year are raped by a dolphin, cause they are!!
Go here, I'll wait...Bad

Did you go?


Wait wait, go here!!! It gets worse

Now, wrap your mind around the fact that a dolphin will not only rape you, they will wrap their freakish penis around you and carry you back to their dolphin rape cave!! Dolphin. Rape. Cave.

Think about this and go watch old episodes of Flipper and tell me you're not disturbed.

They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning, (at raping you)
No-one you see, is smarter than he,(at raping you)
And we know Flipper, lives in a world full of wonder
(where he rapes you)
Flying there-under, under the sea!
(while raping you)
Everyone loves the king of the sea (
or he'll rape them)
Ever so kind and gentle is he
(when he's not raping you)
Tricks he will do when children appear (
tricks like rape)
And how they laugh when he's near (out of fear)
They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning
(at raping you)
No-one you see, is smarter than he (
at raping you)
And we know Flipper, lives in a world full of wonder
(where he rapes you)
Flying there-under, under the sea
(while rapes you)

Have you ever seen those old SNL Landshark skits with Chevy Chase? Lets consider the possibility of Land-dolphins, those things will make you beg for the Landshark to come save your butt....

Wait!! What if that's WHY dolphins are raping people in the water? Trying to impregnate innocent swimmers with their mutant spawn in hopes of creating LAND-DOLPHINS!!

Soon dolphins will be boarding planes to come rape one will be safe!!

I love candy grams too!!


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Elizabeth Taylor

The great Elizabeth Taylor died today at 79 years old.

Now I know that she's had health issues for years but honestly I'm kind of pissed that she's gone and Charlie Sheen is still as healthy as a horse.  Don't get me wrong I don't wish death or hardship on anyone but...SERIOUSLY?!? He spends 20 odd years living on coke and hookers with no problem and out lives Elizabeth freakin Taylor!!
Theory: What if Charlie Sheen really IS a warlock and he's using his plethora of Tiger Blood to project all his inevitable health issues on to more talented celebrities? Leslie Nielson, Tom Bosley, Tony Curtis and Gary Coleman all more awesome that Charlie...I know you'll say that they died of natural causes and that blaming Sheen is immature and irrational but I say that you're in on the conspiracy and you helped kill Leslie Nielson!! What, was Airplane not funny enough for you? You thought Major League was a more deserving work of "comic gold" ...surely you can't be serious?