Monday, March 28, 2011

How TV Completely Ruined My Perception Of Love.

I am part of a profoundly screwed up generation. Maybe, I'm being over dramatic, I know my generation can be pretty amazing, we are more tolerant, open minded and considerate than the preceding generations. But we are a clueless bunch when it comes to love, and honestly I think a lot of it is due to the media's idealized portrayal of relationships that got shoved down our throats!

I think I may be generalizing too much, let me narrow it down and just talk about myself.

Up until I was 19 or so I had a highly romanticized view of love and relationships. I honestly though that the guy I was suppose to be with would be the dark and brooding man who knew how to cry. He would sweep into town take one look at me, stare deeply into my eyes and know that I was his everything. Complete. And. Total. Crap.
So here is a list of my favorite shows as a teen, I'll give you a brief rundown and tell you how it screwed me over, then I'll let you know how reality is way better than pretend.

1. Roswell (1999-2002)- I freakin loved this show more than cake and I'm a fat kid so you know I loved my cake. It was basically about a mysterious and brooding group of overly attractive teens that just happen to be aliens. Lots of human/alien intergalactic relationships, the words soul mate and destiny were was tossed around a lot. After this show, I would create drama in my relationships, in hopes that the pathetic sap I was dating would rise to the challenge and fix everything thus proving his love to me. I got dumped.
So brooding!! 
2. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997- 2003)- This was actually a pretty empowering show for a young girl. Teenage girl kicks ass and to hell with preconceived notions of femininity! But did I focus on that? Nope. I only saw how much Buffy loved Angel and how much I loved Angel, pretty sure this was the show that brought on puberty. For those that don't know (both of you) Buffy is a girl destined to be The Slayer, she kills vampires while being a fashionable and charming teenager. Angel just happens to be a *gasp* dark and brooding vampire who falls for Buffy. Isn't unrequited love great? Now, how did this mess me up? I grew a fascination for the boys that needed to be fixed, the bad boys with troubled pasts that needed me to...slay their problems (love puns). Again I got dumped. (bad boys don't usually care for good girls in real life)

How sweet! He wants to suck her blood, they must really love each other.
3. Dawson's Creek (1998-2003) - No supernatural powers here, just weepy teens climbing into each others bedrooms. Basically, a small New England town where everyone has something to hide. Dawson, Joey and Pacey are best buds. Joey likes Dawson, Dawson likes movies. Jen moves to town, Dawson likes Jen, Joey sad. Pacey screws teacher, Jen has bad past, Dawson dislikes Jen, Dawson likes Joey, Joey dates Dawson and likes him less, Joey and Pacey end up together, Jen dies.

I'm not even sure where to start with this. I wanted to live their fictional lives! I would literally go look for a male best friend, a Dawson to my Joey if you will. I would look at my more attractive female teachers and think that they were totally nailing some poor misguided male student. Just so messed up..

Poor Dawson never stood a chance.
Now for my closing argument, why were all my preconceived, media fed notions wrong? Because the real thing is flipping awesome. It wasn't until I met my now husband did I understand that a relationship didn't have to revolve around drama, it could be pretty fun actually.

In real life you may not get the guy that will look deep into your eyes and tell you that you're the missing piece to his heart or whatever, but you do get someone that will share the blanket with you and give you chicken soup when your sick. 

TV doesn't show you the mundane, boring, everyday B.S. that couples go through, putting the seat down, cooking dinner, getting ready for bed and watching the news. That stuff is pretty great. 

Yes, I still get caught up in the way TV shows love and relationships, how can I not? I'm sure if my life was a show it would bore viewers to tears, but its real and it's completely drama free, except when my mother-in-law comes to visit, but that's what I have shanks for. 

Sunday, March 27, 2011

An Open Letter To The Mean Kids I Went To School With.

TheBloggess tweeted a link to JustLinda whom wrote an amazing post about the struggles her daughter is currently facing in school with regards to fitting in and being included. Please go read that post, it is so honest and heart breaking.

After I read Linda's I began to ponder my own experience in school and how it shaped me into the fantastic individual I am today. So here is a letter to all of the hateful, cruel, mean spirited kids I went to school with.

Dear Mean Kids,
                How are you? I hope this letter finds you well and in good health. I'm doing well, actually I'm amazing, never been happier in fact! I was just writing this letter to thank you. Thank you for every cruel, mean thing you ever did to me. For calling me fat, for excluding me from activities, thank you for taking what was unique about me and taunting me to the point where I actually felt ashamed of it!
    You see, because of your hateful taunting, I learned empathy for others that have to deal similar issues as mine. While you were out on Friday nights making stupid mistakes, I was at home with my amazing parents soaking up their wisdom and knowledge.
    While you were goofing off at lunch, I was in the library learning a cornucopia of words that you still do not comprehend and while you were using your last thread of creativity to think of ways to tear me down I was realizing that the best weapon against you was my own inflated ego. Thats right...I'm awesome and I don't need your damn approval. Yes, there is nothing that will confuse mean kid more than a chubby chick who knows how fantastic she is.
      You think I'm fat? Well congratulations on forming a cohesive thought, by the way, I have awesome boobs so I win.
      You think I'm weird? I am weird, this is news to people?
      I don't dress right? Are you kidding?  I look fantastic, who else can take yard sale clothes and rock them like me?
         So you see mean kids, after years of trying my hardest to meet your approval, I was able to not give a shit. You know what else, I'm 25 now and I still know that I'm awesome. I refuse to be modest and I look in the mirror everyday and yes I see my "faults" but I love me, my husband (who is sexy as hell by the way) loves me and I'm happy.
                         Signed,   The Most Amazing Woman On Earth

Note: If you're going through something similar to this or even if you're feeling down on yourself, remember that you are fucking fantastic!! Please don't wait for someone else to build you up, do it yourself. Look in the mirror and list everything that is amazing about you and say them out loud, shout them from the roof tops!! You. Are. Awesome. Don't keep it secret.

Friday, March 25, 2011

British Sexiness Covered in Chunky Peanut Butter.

You know what I haven't had in forever? A chunky peanut butter sandwich, there are few pleasures in life better than chunky peanut butter....well, maybe sex, but it would depend on who you're having sex with.

Example: Sex with Colin Firth is way better than chunky peanut butter, but chunky peanut butter is better than sex with Michael Cera. However, sex with Michael Cera while covered in chunky peanut butter is better than sex with Colin Firth. Sex with Colin Firth while covered in chunky peanut butter trumps all. These are the rules, I don't make them I just follow them, actually I did make these rules but they should still be followed.

I know some of you are gonna be like, "Hey, I love Michael Cera way more than Colin Firth and I don't even like chunky peanut butter."  I completely understand that we all have different opinions about sexiness and our food covered sex preferences...but Colin Firth is British and pretty and chunky peanut butter is awesome I'm right and you wrong so there!!!

You know who else is pretty and British? Hugh Laurie, but you don't cover Hugh Laurie in chunky peanut butter...Hugh Laurie is just for  looking at, he's that attractive.
Very Pretty

Excuse me while I go buy some chunky peanut butter...for a sandwich you dirty birds, what else would it be for?

Thursday, March 24, 2011

So, Dolphin Rape?

Aren't dolphins adorable? So cute, happy and sweet. They are truly the most majestic creature that will ever rape you....

What, you didn't know that an average of 14 people a year are raped by a dolphin, cause they are!!
Go here, I'll wait...Bad

Did you go?


Wait wait, go here!!! It gets worse

Now, wrap your mind around the fact that a dolphin will not only rape you, they will wrap their freakish penis around you and carry you back to their dolphin rape cave!! Dolphin. Rape. Cave.

Think about this and go watch old episodes of Flipper and tell me you're not disturbed.

They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning, (at raping you)
No-one you see, is smarter than he,(at raping you)
And we know Flipper, lives in a world full of wonder
(where he rapes you)
Flying there-under, under the sea!
(while raping you)
Everyone loves the king of the sea (
or he'll rape them)
Ever so kind and gentle is he
(when he's not raping you)
Tricks he will do when children appear (
tricks like rape)
And how they laugh when he's near (out of fear)
They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning
(at raping you)
No-one you see, is smarter than he (
at raping you)
And we know Flipper, lives in a world full of wonder
(where he rapes you)
Flying there-under, under the sea
(while rapes you)

Have you ever seen those old SNL Landshark skits with Chevy Chase? Lets consider the possibility of Land-dolphins, those things will make you beg for the Landshark to come save your butt....

Wait!! What if that's WHY dolphins are raping people in the water? Trying to impregnate innocent swimmers with their mutant spawn in hopes of creating LAND-DOLPHINS!!

Soon dolphins will be boarding planes to come rape one will be safe!!

I love candy grams too!!


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Elizabeth Taylor

The great Elizabeth Taylor died today at 79 years old.

Now I know that she's had health issues for years but honestly I'm kind of pissed that she's gone and Charlie Sheen is still as healthy as a horse.  Don't get me wrong I don't wish death or hardship on anyone but...SERIOUSLY?!? He spends 20 odd years living on coke and hookers with no problem and out lives Elizabeth freakin Taylor!!
Theory: What if Charlie Sheen really IS a warlock and he's using his plethora of Tiger Blood to project all his inevitable health issues on to more talented celebrities? Leslie Nielson, Tom Bosley, Tony Curtis and Gary Coleman all more awesome that Charlie...I know you'll say that they died of natural causes and that blaming Sheen is immature and irrational but I say that you're in on the conspiracy and you helped kill Leslie Nielson!! What, was Airplane not funny enough for you? You thought Major League was a more deserving work of "comic gold" ...surely you can't be serious?