Monday, April 25, 2011

Hey Look, A Kitty!!

So, as I've previously mentioned (yelled?) I live in an undisclosed southern state, a state that seem to think that once April rolls around that it can become freakin Seattle!! Well guess what state, you are not cool enough to pretend to be Seattle, you are a state of trees and a movie theater, so stop with the damn rain now!!
Anywho, I'm going to go ahead and blame the flood outside my house for not blogging lately, I'm not mature enough to be happy despite the weather...I have given into the gloom and refuse to be happy and/or funny until I see the sun again. (NOTE: I know I wasn't that funny to start with so it was all down hill)

Here's a picture of a kitty to hold you over!!
Hey Look, A Kitten!!!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

So, Are You Pregnant Yet?

I've been sick for the past week, as in swimming in my own vomit kind of sick (lovely image I know), plus side is that I've lost about eight pounds the down side that now I'm pregnant. *dramatic pause*

I'm not pregnant, but there is an assumption that when you're 25 and have been married for over a year that the next logical step is to put a bun in the oven, become a baby incubator if you will. Maybe some of you more logical individuals will say "Hey, your still young, don't worry about it, you've got PLENTY of time" to you I say..I live in the freakin SOUTH!!!! Having a baby in your early 20's is almost a requirement to being a woman! 

I get to hear wonderful gems like "Don't wait too long" in a worried tone, as if my uterus is going to fall out the moment I hit 30.

Even better is the classic "If you don't use if you'll loose it"...does this me my baby factory will shut down due to a lack of production? Well shit, I guess that means the economy is messing everything up then isn't it?

My personal favorite is "You don't want to be so old that you can't enjoy raising your kids" This implies that I'm going to be broken down and rotting away by the time I hit my forties. I can just picture it, my ten year old will want to play baseball and from my rocking chair, I'll sigh and say "I'm sorry child but I'm just too old..I'm forty you know, soon I'll be gone, oh if only I hadn't waited so long to become a mother!"

What this rant boils down too is that I'm not opposed to having kids, I'll be a kickass mom!! But I have complete control of when and if I become that kickass mom and no amount of guilt or worry is going to change that.  I'll freely admit that I get a twitch in my uterus when I see a cute baby, an adorable pair of baby converse or a commercial for some over priced baby product...and that twitchy uterus leads to baby fever and for a brief moment I think, wow, I totally want a baby. But that passes when logic comes back into play.

Can we talk about baby fever for a second? That sneaky bitch is a pain. When you get baby fever you briefly lose logic, you don't think about late nights, smelly diapers, projectile vomit or an 18 year commitment, all you can think of is baby names, nursery themes, baby cloths, how your kid is going to be so smart..etc. Baby fever is like Gods way of making sure the species gets repopulated, cause if you really really thought about it..babies are kinda gross.

Did you know that after a woman gives birth a hormone in her brain causes her to forget/or minimize the pain of child birth!! ANOTHER trick that keeps us popping out babies!
In conclusion: I'm not a baby hater, I love kids and I can't wait to be a mother...someday. Who knows, I could have a kid and not care about the grossness of it all, but right now I'm good with taking care of a husband and two dogs.
My uterus is twitching...

Friday, April 1, 2011

How Guilt Can Make You A Better Person...Or A Really Bitter Person.

My mother is the queen of the guilt trip, it's like some amazing superpower!
You want to cancel lunch with her and lounge all day? She can make you change your mind in less than a second AND you'll show up with flowers and a formally written apology because you were such an awful daughter for even THINKING of cancelling on your sainted mother!!!  

Now, don't let me paint my mom in a negative light, she is amazing and honestly..she just knows how to make me see how selfish I can be.

Example Time!!  Here is a regular conversation between my mother and myself.

Mom: Are you busy on Saturday? 

Me: Well, I was gonna just lounge around and spend time with the husband.

Mom: Oh, well...(In a much softer tone) I was hoping I could get you to help me with something but I guess if your busy I can do it myself...

Me: Oh, well..what do you need help with?

Mom: I'm taking the dogs to the vet and I was needing someone to go with me, having both is just really hard on me...but  I (sigh)..I'm sure I can handle it.

Me: No, I can go, it's no big deal.

Mom: can do it..maybe I'll just take them one at a time...but gosh gas is so expensive, no, I'll have to take them both at the same time....Maybe your brother could take me..

Me: No mom, I'll go, its fine.

Mom: I don't want you to go if you don't want too..

Me: Mom, I want to go..please for the love of God let me go with you!! 

Mom: Ok sweetie, if you really want to go.

That is my wonderful mother has through the years taught me the fine art of ..THE GUILT TRIP!!
I don't even have kids yet but it's as if I have this super human ability that has been ingrained into me, I can guilt anyone, with this a good thing? A bad thing? I don't know. But you see, I am still somewhat a novice with the guilt, while I am still more versed than most I have yet to become immune to guilt, of course I still fall for mom's guilt trip..but the real kicker is, that when you are raised by parents that expect you to put others first or suffer the guilt you end up having a really soft heart. And it sucks ass.

Now, I've tried my hardest to be a badass chick that doesn't take crap and can be hella intimidating when she needs to be, but damn it if I don't have the emotions of a five year old. Given the right circumstances, I will cry like a swimmer that has been raped by dolphins. Like, say I'm watching television and that freaking ASPCA commercial comes on with  Sarah McLaughlin song in the background and it shows all of the sad and hurt animals that are like "Why don't you love us, we need you" I do three things...I bawl like a baby...hunt for my check book because OBVIOUSLY I have to send the poor babies money...and go adopt a dog. My husband had too put a stop to the last two, or we would have been broke and had a house full of dogs.  But do you get what I'm saying? Yes, I know how to use guilt, but guilt still knows how to use me like a cheap violin.

Another Example: This April, I'm going without meat...I've tried this many times before and always failed, but the guilt of eating some poor animal is so freaking strong that I'm sitting here, choking down soy based nuggets that I'm suppose to believe taste like chicken when they taste like some weird garlic and onion turd. You'd think that we've advanced enough that we can make soy taste like freakin chicken, but nooo, I guess science is more concerned with cancer or nuclear war. Well guess what science, not having good tasting options for my semi-vegetarian lifestyle is slightly inconvenient so get off your already busy asses and fix this!!

I have no purpose of being here except to make you feel guilty about the melting icecaps, feel my guilt!!

In conclusion, yes, I'm going to use guilt on my children, because not only do I want kids with good hearts that know how crappy it is to be selfish, I also want someone else around me that is as screwed up as I am.